Miscarriage Awareness Month: Nina Young
It took me a while to find a way to share my story. No matter which way I write the words, no matter how this story ends there will never be an easy way to relive it. I have found comfort in the possibility that my testimony may possibly inspire someone who may be struggling with infertility or who has gone through something similar and are waiting for their silver lining.
I was told once by a doctor that I would not become pregnant and also told by another doctor I can only become pregnant through IVF. I always tried to hold on to God's promise, he had revealed to me years before that I would be a mother. But after the first and second year of trying I grew extremely weary. And by the third I was losing faith. There was a lot of doubt that came with our struggle with infertility. It was like having a dark cloud over us. I remember hearing that voice telling me "it's never going to happen".
Everyone was telling me that once I stopped obsessing about having a child, that it would happen. But when you want something so bad, it’s nearly impossible to stop thinking about it. I remember specifically asking God, one day; as I cried hysterically in the shower, to take the desire of having kids away, because the disappointment that came with, not being able to have any, was unbearable. Two weeks later I find out that I am pregnant and one week after that I find out that I'm pregnant with twins.
The day I miscarried was the day of my gender reveal appointment. Although in my heart I already knew I was having two boys I still had a little hope that it would be a girl and a boy. As soon as I found out they were boys, I named them right away. My pride and joys, the love I had for them was something I never experienced before. They were everything I dreamed of and I was getting to share this journey with the love of my life (my husband). But before I even got a chance to call him to tell him the wonderful news I was being rushed off to the doctor, who determined that I was having a miscarriage. She asked me if I wanted to give birth to them or have them removed. Have them removed??? What? Everything else after that was a whirlwind and a bit of a blur so much happened within those 5 days in the hospital. Much of it I still struggle with till this day. The one thing I remember vividly and I could still feel it in my bones is when I walked out of that hospital empty handed. I had envisioned that my husband would walk out the hospital door with both car seats in his hand and that I would be wheeled behind him gleaming with joy. But that feeling when i walked out with nothing but a broken heart , and bruises all over my body, I never felt so robbed , violated and defeated. I watched as couples were discharged with there babies , I heard in the rooms next to me as babies were being born the cries of life in there lungs as they made their entrance into this world. And what I had was a rose hung up on my door to let everyone know that I had a miscarriage.
I gave natural birth to both boys and my husband and I were fortunate enough to spend a little time with each of them. Telling them how much we love them, taking in how beautiful they were. I was really surprised at how developed they were. We were even able to get little footprints. It was hard to say goodbye. And I think it's still hard not having them around. But we manage well through the hard days, and often speak of them and imagine what they would be like. We try to keep their memory alive. It helps us cope.
I knew that I would try right away to have another. I struggled with not wanting to "replace" what I lost and still having that longing for a child. I felt I didn't have another three years to spend trying to have a baby and since I just had given birth my body was still fertile, four months later we were pregnant again with another baby boy! But I didn't feel the same joy I did with the twin pregnancy. In all honesty I was terrified.
It wasn't until my third trimester that I began to warm up to the reality that I was having a baby. I spent most of the pregnancy on pins and needles, haunted by doubt and fear. I had to get my cervix stitched closed at 17 weeks with this pregnancy, because I started to dilate. I was 18 weeks when I lost the twins. So one could understand my uncertainty. I spent the rest of my pregnancy on bed rest. It wasn't the greatest time. But I did always feel blessed. And towards the ending I made a conscious decision to embrace it. Because either way it was in Gods hands.
March, 11th, 2016 at 4:30 pm. My husband and I welcomed a healthy baby boy into this world we named him Ethan Knight. And he is absolutely the light of our lives. Sometimes we both just stare at him while he is asleep in awe. And every once in a while a sadness creeps in. Not because we aren't grateful for what we have. But naturally we wonder what could have been. When I look at Ethan I don't see my first born. I see a little brother, I see our third son. Deep in my heart we are a family five, it may not look that way or feel that way to others looking from the outside in. But I was a mom before Ethan was born. He is our rainbow baby as they say. Because he came to us after the storm. He is our little promise from God.
I may never understand exactly what went wrong, I may not know the "what's" and "whys" And maybe a part of me may never truly accept losing my first sons. But when I look at Ethan I see a real life testament of hope. He is a miracle. Right before my eyes. When I look at my husband I see a true partner someone who I will forever be tied to and not only because of marriage but because of something so traumatizing we endured together. And I feel blessed. That sense of loss will always find its way to my heart because I am a mother who has lost two children. That I carried , and that I birthed.
When I became pregnant with Ethan my high risk doctor went over the autopsy of the twins with me. And she told me that I could of either died or have my uterus removed, due to underlying complications with the twin pregnancy. Of course that meant little to me when I held it up to my yearning to have my boys with me. But the fact that I am here today, holding a smiling, bouncy baby boy. Is truly a blessing. That I do not take for granted.