Father’s Day was pretty hard for me for most of my life. You see my father is alive and well, but we have had a complicated relationship. He has a lot of guilt from his past mistakes, and no matter how much I think our relationship has moved forward, he can only go a few months before his mistakes haunt him, and he takes it out on me.
Literally we have never spoken for more than 4 months consistently. The last time we were on good terms, I sent him wedding pictures. I guess that reminded him of how much he missed out on in my life. I woke up one day with a voicemail from him (I was so excited to hear him say how beautiful he thought I was) instead it was him calling me every name in the book ( none of them being beautiful), claimed that I always took my mom’s side, and bashed my husband. For the 100th time, all I could do was cry.
The idea of accepting God as my father, and understanding how much he truly loves me seemed nearly impossible. I mean I have a perfectly healthy human father, that can't put his best foot forward and keep a relationship with me. That only left your girl with so many insecurities.
Am I THAT unlovable?
There must be something wrong with ME.
Do I even deserve love?
These are some honest questions that would run through my mind on a regular basis.
I could not wrap my mind around how such a perfect, loving, forgiving God would want anything to do with me.
I know that there are many people out there who experience these doubts and fears. I hear you, I understand your pain, and these feelings did not go away overnight.
After a while of living with this mindset, I just became tired of feeling unwanted. I became tired of watching all my friends wholeheartedly accept the love of God, while I struggled and believed that I was unworthy.
I began to write. I did lots of research and wrote down every verse that talks about Gods love for me. Not only did I write down the scriptures, but I began to speak them over myself, and pray over my mind.
After months of making this a part of my routine, my mindset began to change. Instead of feeling sad when I heard others talk about Gods love, I began to relate.
Instead of struggling to sing songs like "He loves us, oh how he loves us" for the first time I could sing with my whole heart, and believe that what I was saying was true!
I love to imagine God standing (or sitting) with open arms 24/7. Waiting for us to fully understand how much he cares for us.
He cares for you, and knows exactly what you are going through.
If this is something that you struggle with, I encourage you to take time out to really meditate on his love. I pray that the walls of doubt that may have been built up over the years will be knocked down. I pray that you will feel and accept his love, the way that I can now.
He's waiting with open arms to love on you.
You are the apple of his eye.